Things children say

“I don’t know what’s going on.” “I wish Mum and Dad wouldn’t fight all the time.” “I worry that I’m going to have to move/change schools/not see my Mum/Dad.” …

There is no getting away from it, divorce is a sad and difficult time for children. Even after the divorce paperwork is done and dusted, the process of divorce carries on affecting children, often into adulthood. The silver lining is that parents can help them cope and adjust better. Some of the things I’m going to suggest may not be easy. If it’s hard, keep thinking “I’m doing this for the children because I love them and it’s what they need.”

Tell them – together if you can

There isn’t a right time to tell them, but children will know that something is going on. If they are not told what’s happening, they will fill in the blanks themselves. The picture they create might be even worse than divorce. If you can tell them together, do. If you can’t tell them together, plan what you’re going to say so that you both tell them the same thing. That will cut down on confusion. Think about how you are going to control your own feelings before you talk to them.

“Mum and Dad will always love you”

Children are logical thinkers. If you can stop loving each other, you might stop loving them too. It seems obvious, but they need to hear that you’ll always love them; that you’ll always be their Mum and Dad whether they live with you most of the time, some of the time or not at all. Talk about their grand-parents and other family members – they’ll still be there. Support them in talking to other family members, teachers or friends.

 “This isn’t your fault”

If they think they’re to blame they’ll feel guilty. Had they been naughty once too often? Could they have been more helpful around the house? They’re pretty sure they could have done their homework more quickly … They might think they can change the situation. Let them know that the decision to divorce is an adult one that they can’t change it.

Allow your child to feel sad, angry, hurt, confused …

They need to be allowed to have these feelings. Ask them how they’re feeling. Tell them that you realise that it must be hard for them to understand. Let them know that you will be there if and when they want to talk. Reassure them that you will answer their questions as best you can. You know your children, use whatever you think will work for them. It might be sitting and drawing together; having a box for leaving notes for each other; checking in by phone …

Try to limit the number of changes

It’s a big ask for children to deal with and process their parents separation. A  potential move from the neighbourhood, from their friends and family, maybe starting a new school can be hard. If a move is unavoidable, try to prepare them by talking things through and making sure that they are well supported in school.

Be positive about your child’s relationship with your ex

Encourage and support your child’s relationship with their other parent. They might worry that they won’t be able to spend time with each of you. Make them feel good about enjoying time with each of you. They’re half of you both, and that’s how they see themselves. Disrespecting their other parent is disrespecting half of your child. Let them know that it’s okay for them love you both.

Children need their parents to work together. It may not be easy, but the reward is that you’re giving them the best chance to grow up to be well-adjusted individuals despite your divorce.

Elisabet Anderson, FMC family mediator.

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I’m a mediator and a member of the Family Mediators Association. I’m also a non-practising solicitor. I help couples negotiate financial settlements and parenting arrangements in separation and divorce. As a family solicitor, I worked for one person. Now, as a mediator, I am able to support two people together to help them reach the best possible outcome for their whole family.