There seems to be a widely held myth that mediation is only suitable for people who get along. I don’t know where this came from but I reckon it’s linked to the other myth that mediation is touchy-feely. If mediation was only for people who get along there wouldn’t be many takers. If it was touchy feely, it wouldn’t work.

So who chooses our family mediation service in Ipswich? We have found that there are basically four types. Which group might you belong to?

Those who choose family mediation on its own merits

This group is probably the largest. It consists of couples who know they need help and who want to avoid the acrimony and cost of going to lawyers. They’ve heard about family mediation and have some idea as to what it can offer. They expect mediation to work having heard about it through friends, family or organisations like Relate.

Some of these couples may have a relatively good relationship despite the breakdown of their marriage. Others may have a very poor relationship. What they have in common is an understanding that the legal process is not likely to help them or their children achieve a healthy divorce. 

Those who feel compelled to mediate

Those in this category feel compelled to try family mediation through a lack of finances and access to other options. They might also feel pressurised by a partner to try it. They are among those who see it as touchy-feely – skeptical that we will be able to help them in any way. They would much rather slug it out in court because they think the judge will agree with them.

But knowing they can’t afford the other options, they give family mediation a go. It usually works for them. They might take longer to get going, but after a session or two they realise that it’s not touchy-feely at all, but a well managed, tough but dignified process over which they have complete control of the outcome.

Those who had given little thought to resolving their issue and are unclear about what to do

This group of clients is usually uninformed about the dispute resolution options available to them. They might come to meet us at the suggestion of their partner. They come to their first individual and confidential consultation with us to provide them with general assistance and support.

The only ones who will not be suitable for mediation will be those who have a dispute over the law (very rare in family cases) or who need an order protecting them, their children or their property. For the others, as with the ‘compelled group’, they tend to find that mediation works.

Those whose motivations for meeting a mediator are strategic and who are really seeking resolution through the courts

This is perhaps the smallest group it tends to be made up of those who attribute their problem to their partner and take no responsibility for it themselves. They might think that they are on the moral high ground. They hope that meeting a mediator will allow them to use it as leverage in court.

They come along to meet us in the expectation only of getting a certificate to allow them to make their court application. Quite often, after they have heard what we have to say, they can see that mediation might get them what they want more quickly and less expensively.

In Ipswich, our family mediation service sees people from all these groups, and maybe others who don’t fit any of the categories. The one thing they all have in common is self-interest. There is nothing wrong with that because we are able to turn that self-interest into mutual interest – the interest of the couple and of the whole family.

In family mediation, there are no winners and losers, but winners and winners.

I am Stephen G Anderson. I am a professional mediator.

Stephen G Anderson, family mediator

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